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Why I have trouble with psychotherapy

I originally went to my psychotherapist, wondering why I had trouble finding people that I felt related to me, felt generally unsatisfied and unfulfilled in my life, and had pervasive feelings of anger due to the idiocy I see all around me.  People just don't understand me, I complained.  I say things in jest and people take them seriously, and only the smartest among them understand my humor.  She listened to me for awhile, and diagnosed me with
297.1 Delusional disorder 
It was blatantly apparent, she said, that I had delusions of grandeur, since I held a pervasive belief that I was smarter than other people. Still, I found that this didn't sit quite well with me, so I decided I needed a second opinion.

The second one decided that because of my limited affect and unusual way of carrying myself, as well as my obsessive interest with sex, bdsm, and fetishism, self professed difficulty relating to others, that I had
299.80 Asperger's disorder
Seeing that the majority of aspies are male, typically exhibit clumsiness and other motor disorders, tend to display repetetive self-stim behaviors, have a childhood history of difficulty forming friendships, lack of eye contact, and difficulty understanding humor, I found this to be a very probable diagnosis.  Still, I decided that I needed a third opinion, just to be sure.

The third therapist, who was an MD, took a very methodical, empirical approach, and had me fill out a complete inventory, which involved pages and pages of quizzes, tests, and short answers.  This therapist decided that I had multiple issues, including:
300.14 Dissociative identity disorder
302.6 Gender identity disorder
301.83 Borderline witch personality disorder
301.7 Antisocial personality disorder
302.84 Sexual sadism
He was much more clear with me on the reasons for obtaining this diagnosis, and provided a clear delineation of the traits I exhibited which indicated those diagnoses, including
1)use of aliases in conning and blackmailing others for personal profit/pleasure
2)open repudiation for and display of disdain of social norms and repeated show of aggression
3)lack of remorse, and in fact, enjoyment of having hurt, beaten, flogged, tied up, psychologically tortured or abused another
4) Complaining that that one has bigger balls than most men, and deriding others for not being "man enough" to handle them, and engaging in forced intercourse with men and women with a feeldoe.
5)highly capricious mood swings, engagement in the use of other people as furniture, footstools, and subhuman objects, such as doormats.

After a few months of enduring mild hallucinations due to the cocktail of anti-psychotics I was prescribed, I began to contemplate which diagnosis would allow me to extract the most money in disability and social security income, and which one would most allow me to pursue my political career when I retired from dominatrixing, but finally, I decided to eschew all use of drugs and detoxify my life with a cleanse diet, an array of B vitamins and amino acids, and joined a boxing gym, where at least I could channel my aggression into beating up the inferiors--excuse me, I mean-- kicking some pads and bags and stuff.  I decided that instead I had
300.9 unspecified mental disorder (nonpsychotic)

It's very difficult to find a good therapist.  A good psychotherapist must be a good observer, able to grasp the subtext of a conversation easily, should be endowed with the verbal finesse of a diplomat, and of course, they must be MORE sophisticated than yourself, so that you might gain insights.  I've decided that, being more enlightened than most, that my best course of action is to read self-help books, take myself to the spa, and allow others to massage my feet, buy me gifts, and pamper me, allowing myself to feel an immediate release and feeling of fulfillment.

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