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Attachment parenting: the New Order in parenting

My guide for successful attachment parenting as it is practiced in the United States today:

1) Your child will be strapped to you at all times, even during bathing.  It will behoove you to buy one of those waterproof wraps to wear in the shower.  You will wear, clunky, unflattering, all terrain boots and yoga shorts, and take the bus to mom and baby yoga.  Inspire yourself to return to a time before the advent of distractions such as the internet, automobiles, and indoor plumbing.

2) You will find yourself wearing breastfeeding tops, and whip out your breast at a moments notice in parks, diners, supermarkets, hotel lobbies, and the NYC subway.  You will read books on homemade baby food, and your home will be filled with BPA free, stylish sippy cups, silicone frozen baby food molds, modern design bottle trees, and the newest in learning toys.

3) You will go to your child and hold them when they cry, even if it is four in the morning, and you've woken up every night on the hour for the past four weeks.  This may continue until the child is 8 months, or even up to 4 years.  Do not attempt to "Ferberize" or sleep train your child, because this considered cruel and unnatural behavior as defined by progressive, liberal intellectuals, and you will be accused of German Malicious Mother Syndrome.

4) You will allow your child to crap their pants until they are five years old, and be responsible for diapering them and wiping their ass until they go to kindergarten.  Don't worry about the alleged psychological or health consequences of such a "permissive" parenting style!  The most important thing is to shield your child from feelings of shame or inadequacy at all cost.  Your child will choose to train her self when she is ready.  She may be wearing diapers when she is 8, but she will have an incredible sense of positive self-regard.

5) Do not ever yell at your child in order to correct them, or to prevent them from harming themselves.  Such negative thought and behavior patterns perpetuate bad vibes.  The idea of establishing authority is a relic of patriarchism, and such ideas need to be abolished from common practice in order to establish the New Order Parenting.  A real parent is a friend, not a cold autocratic monster who heaps all sorts of pesky rules on their child, establishes routines, like bedtimes, or plans healthy diets and meal plans.

6) Allow your child to dress themselves, even if they have not yet developed the language skills to pronounce colors.  It is paramount that your child feel free to express themselves.  Occasionally this may mean that they choose to wear their Spiderman pyjamies to your sister's wedding, or nothing but their Dora the Explora undwear to your next playdate, but during these moments of frustration, just remember that you are doing your duty as a parent by fostering your child's sense of self expression, creativity, and playfulness.

7) Do not succumb to detrimental "helicopter parenting" habits, such as sending your child to piano lessons, making them study or do homework.  Your child's natural, innate abilities will dictate their behavior.  If they are meant to be a pianist of note, they will look at the piano, and intuitively know how to play it, becoming virtuosos at young ages.  If they are meant to be rocket scientists or neurosurgeons, they will naturally decide to read books on the human body or theoretical physics over Batman comic books. You may be attacked by other parents who try to dissuade you from this, telling you that these habits may result in regression towards the mean, but carry on and endure!  These parents are small time tyrants, and their children see them as dictators. Your child needs to be shielded from oppressing parenting styles. 

By following these simple steps, you will raise a happy, well adjusted adult, who values themselves above all else, has a healthy sense of entitlement, and knows that there are more important things in life than work.  These measures will also promote population control, since a parent who executes these measures properly will likely only raise one child.

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