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Lady G's Art of Pyschological Warfare.

Even in spite of the peace-nik rhetoric from stinky hippies around the globe, the reality is, that war is sometime necessary for self preservation of both individuals and entities.  I have not tried to improve upon the venerable works of those such as Sun Tzu.  Instead, I have formulated my own ideas that are especially suited to my unique situation.

1.  When your enemies are dishonorable, immoral animals, never avoid conflict in order to be "the better person."  When a person is dishonorable, they will not recognize honor in another.  Fight fire with fire, and vengeance should be swift.  If some stupid fat-ass cuts in front of you in line, announce very loudly to the entire shop that he is a barn animal and that he needs to take his place in the back of the line.  You've alerted others to his sub-human behavior and hopefully, if he has any human DNA, will feel ashamed of what he has done.

2.  Understand your enemies weaknesses, and exploit them mercilessly.  If you truly understand your enemy, victory may be as simple as tying the noose and allowing your enemy to hang themselves in it.  For instance: if you are verbally harrassed by some half wit bitchy skanks dressed head to toe in forever-21, allow them to continue to make inane comments until it is obvious that they are borderline retarded, and you look good by comparison. This is the one exception to rule number 1, provided that you also ascribe to rule number 6. 

3.  Although you will understand your enemies by virtue of your keen intellect and highly developed intuitive abilities, allow them as little information about yourself as possible.  An enemy who underestimates your true capacities will succumb to a swift and humiliating defeat.  For instance, when hustling pool, never let on that you've played before and are pretty good.  Let the other party think that you suck ass, and then let them think they're suckering you into a big bet.

4.  When you are strong, play weak, when weak, play strong.  If you've got pocket rockets and there's a maniac in late position, play it like you've got 8-9 off suit and were hoping to get lucky on the flop.  Your maniac opponent will be blindsided when they bet big and you re-raise them.  You may even get them to throw all their chips in the pot.  (This trick only works with maniacs, when all the normal people at the table are playing so tight they can't pass gas.  In normal situations, you risk being out flopped by some jack-wad who limps in with 8-3 suited and hits two pair. Statistically improbable, but it happens.)

5.  Sometimes, playing weak for too long can get you into trouble.  If you have a cold run of cards, no one will respect your bet.  Show your strong hands so that people know you mean business.  Sometimes, you have to do it again and again for the dumbest people at the table to get the idea.  Always alert others to your amazing talents, whether it be the ability to invent dessert sauces for home-made, not-from-a-mix cakes spontaneously,  read and write at the post-baccalaureate level (this is unusual, even for college graduates), or your incredible knack for tying someone spread-eagled and suspending them from the ceiling.

6.  Last, but not least, put out lots of personal propaganda that people read voluntarily every week.  If you do not do this, you will allow your enemies to spread slanderous untruths about you, and the average sheep an mynah bird will listen without comprehending or analyzing for themselves whether the information is likely to be true.  After only a few times, the mynah birds will be parroting the lies for other species of birds, and a cacophony of ridiculous lies will somehow become accepted as fact.  Tell others what to believe about you first.  You can pretty much say almost anything you want... It's that easy.

Be peaceful, be courteous, obey the law, respect everyone; but if someone puts his hand on you, send him to the cemetery. --Malcolm X

War cannot be avoided; it can only be postponed to the other's advantage.  A prince [or leader] should ... have no other aim or thought, nor take up any other thing for his study but war and it organization and discipline, for that is the only art that is necessary to one who commands.  --Niccolo Machiavelli, The Prince

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