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New disorders scheduled to be included in the DIagnostic Manual of Mental Disorders V

666.2 Repugnant malodorous unkempt liberal disorder.

This classification does not refer to liberal in general, but to a certain class of highly deluded, self righteous sort who are clouded with so much espoused rhetoric that they might be considered mildly schizophrenic. You know the ones--you see them in the street in their comfortable, un-stylish sneaks and pseudo-intellectual glasses, professing how they and their kind of the harbingers of love and understanding, while simultaneously, condescendingly attempting to psychoanalyze anyone who does not conform to their expectations of social norms. They do this, not out of altruism, but out of a misguided sense that their efforts are helping the world to "understand" others. Unfortunately, they only succeed in creating dysfunctional labels for others, obscuring the true reality from themselves, and perpetuating a form of insipid bigotry, in order that their own ideas about things conform with their world paradigm. They hold it in esteem to be militantly against any kind of organization, however perfunctory, and treasure the idea of egalitarianism, while branding those they deem threatening as Nazis, sociopaths, and dysfunctional personalities. Rhetoric and lies spread like wildfire in this community, because they are adamantly opposed to independent thinking. Shared community is key, and this also means partaking in "group-think." They have elevated their craft to such a level, that they have out performed the conservatives that they have villified.

666.3 Depraved Jackass disorder

This is a very specific classification used to describe run of the mill morons who like to mouth off for no apparent reason. They find it humorous to engage in all sorts of jack-assery, including defamation, loud and obnoxious behavior on the subways, celebration of sophomoric and perpetual juvenillism, including beer bonging, mutual ass sniffing and complementary nad scratching. They like to think that they are being incredibly humorous, although when presented with the highest forms of satire and dark comedy, they don't know what to make of it. They tend to be young, since their recalcitrant ways often lead them to suffer unfortunate tragedies, and they don't often see old age. The best course of action is to ignore them, in the same way that you would ignore the village idiot or madman, since any response that you make will likely be one that will debase you to their level. This type of person does not understand diplomacy, or backhanded remarks, and the only likely effective method of dealing with them would be to bitch-slap them upside the head.

766.6 Impacted fecalith disorder

This is usually suffered by members of the tea party, and the hard nosed of the "moral majority." They live in a closed society that does not acknowledge biological drives of any kind, including urination, defecation, sexual urges, and sometimes even hunger. They have managed to take all the power for themselves, since they don't spend any time masturbating, fucking, or enjoying R rated films, they have proceeded to take to the polls and represent a minority's views as representative of the majority. Thankfully, they mostly inhabit the suburbs and do not have a significant presence in large, urbanized areas, where they are not able to park their gas guzzling SUVs and lounge in sprawling backyards.

666.66  Non-specific Dysfunctional Syndrome

This diagnosis may be used for people who are generally productive and functional, but may be classified as "difficult," a little bit "strange" or just generally un-likable.  They are usually non-conformists who take pleasure in causing others discomfort by flouting their disregard for socially accepted norms.  They may be described as bossy, passive, loud-mouthed, exceptionally reserved, poor dressers, ostentatious, or wall flowers.  These are people who aren't quite pathological enough to fit any of the usual diagnoses, but people who strike you as somehow "off."  As a matter of fact, their insipid pathology may be even more dangerous than those who are fully dysfunctional.  This label may be applied liberally to public figures, politicians, and co-workers who you hate.

Please note that aside from the last diagnosis, that all patients must fit very specific diagnostic criteria in order for the diagnosis to be given.  These new diagnoses will improve the ease with which entertainment writers and gossip columnists make un-professional diagnoses that will be accepted by housewives across the country as scientific fact.

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