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News in Brief

Notice From the NYC Police Commissioner: Park Slope Not Safe for Republicans
A recent statement from the acting Police Commissioner in New York City admits that Park Slope is no longer safe for Republicans, children of Republicans, or conservative leaning independents. A recent spate of attacks have concerned the last remaining stragglers in the community. Trudy Moore, whoose husband was swarmed by libero-nazis and pelted with crumpled up, recyclable raw food containers and homemade stinky tofu, divulged that she and her husband were finally going to make the move to Connecticut. A few local shopkeepers, when asked why they had failed to take action after witnessing the attack, simply stated that they "thought he was into it." Yet another pointed to the fact that he liked to watch Fox news as "proof that he was a Nazi."  Officer Felicio from the 72nd precinct commented, "Yes, it's terrible that people show show much hatred in a presumably nice community. You gotta admit though, he sauntered down the street in a t-shirt with a bright red elephant. He kinda had it coming."

Group of Staten Islanders Plan to Sue Mother Nature for Discrimination.
A group of irate Staten Islanders have set a precedent by filing a complaint with the Staten Island Civil Courthouse, complaining of blatent and disgusting discrimination on the part of Sandy, a representative of Mother Nature. It is apparent that Nature and her affiliates are Democrats, and that she doled out unfair treatment to Staten Islanders, who are predominantly Republican. The courthouse went ahead and filed the complaint, although they admit that they are unsure how they would enforce any judgement against Nature, who is not registered in the district. They did point out that denial of electric power is not considered a violation of a civil liberties, and that voters in the district had repeatedly voted down measures that would have increased funding to improve the city's infrastructure.

Man Who Wants to Date Alpha Female Disappointed.
A local man who joined a dating service for introductions to real alpha females cancelled his membership after a few dates, complaining of disappointment at the women he was introduced to. "I was very clear when I joined the service, that I wanted a woman who was as strong as Holly Mangold, can cook like Julia Child, speak like Nancy Pelosi, is as stylish as Lady Gaga, but who looks like Miley Cyrus. He complained that the women he was introduced to did not give him the time of day, and that they wouldn't look good enough in bikinis. When asked for comment, the spokeswoman for the agency was curt. "We offer introductions to real women, not Stetson Animatrons."

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