Happy F*cking Holidays

Have you ever wished you could really, and I mean REALLY just say exactly what you thought and felt, without worrying about your public image, or repercussions from your family?   Well, here is a perfectly (in my immeasurably humble opinion) genius example of it.

free hanukkah, christmas, kwanza, yule, and solstice gifs

News in Brief

Notice From the NYC Police Commissioner: Park Slope Not Safe for Republicans
 
A recent statement from the acting Police Commissioner in New York City admits that Park Slope is no longer safe for Republicans, children of Republicans, or conservative leaning independents. A recent spate of attacks have concerned the last remaining stragglers in the community. Trudy Moore, whoose husband was swarmed by libero-nazis and pelted with crumpled up, recyclable raw food containers and homemade stinky tofu, divulged that she and her husband were finally going to make the move to Connecticut. A few local shopkeepers, when asked why they had failed to take action after witnessing the attack, simply stated that they "thought he was into it." Yet another pointed to the fact that he liked to watch Fox news as "proof that he was a Nazi."  Officer Felicio from the 72nd precinct commented, "Yes, it's terrible that people show show much hatred in a presumably nice community. You gotta admit though, he sauntered down the street in a t-shirt with a bright red elephant. He kinda had it coming."

Group of Staten Islanders Plan to Sue Mother Nature for Discrimination.
 
A group of irate Staten Islanders have set a precedent by filing a complaint with the Staten Island Civil Courthouse, complaining of blatent and disgusting discrimination on the part of Sandy, a representative of Mother Nature. It is apparent that Nature and her affiliates are Democrats, and that she doled out unfair treatment to Staten Islanders, who are predominantly Republican. The courthouse went ahead and filed the complaint, although they admit that they are unsure how they would enforce any judgement against Nature, who is not registered in the district. They did point out that denial of electric power is not considered a violation of a civil liberties, and that voters in the district had repeatedly voted down measures that would have increased funding to improve the city's infrastructure.

Man Who Wants to Date Alpha Female Disappointed.
 
A local man who joined a dating service for introductions to real alpha females cancelled his membership after a few dates, complaining of disappointment at the women he was introduced to. "I was very clear when I joined the service, that I wanted a woman who was as strong as Holly Mangold, can cook like Julia Child, speak like Nancy Pelosi, is as stylish as Lady Gaga, but who looks like Miley Cyrus. He complained that the women he was introduced to did not give him the time of day, and that they wouldn't look good enough in bikinis. When asked for comment, the spokeswoman for the agency was curt. "We offer introductions to real women, not Stetson Animatrons."

Happy Hallowe'en

  Jack-o-lantern designed by my daughter, Anais, with assistance from myself
For further enjoyment, the angry mob scene from Frankenstein

Halloween Gifs

Historical tidbit: Why do kids trick or treat on Halloween? At the turn of the 20th century, Scottish imigrant boys would wander in the darkness, setting livestock free, breaking windows, and generally wreaking havoc with their pranks. A woman found that bribing the little monsters with homemade treats would deter them from their "tricks." The tradition quickly spread, and is now celebrated widely today.

Hardee-harr-harr

The test of a real comedian is whether you laugh at him before he opens his mouth. -George Jean Nathan

In the vain laughter of folly wisdom hears half its applause. -George Eliot

In my mind, there is nothing so illiberal, and so ill-bred, as audible laughter. -Lord Chesterfield

Laughter would be bereaved if snobbery died. -Peter Ustinov

Nobody ever died of laughter. -Max Beerbohm

Nothing can confound [or bemuse] a wise man more than laughter from a dunce. -George Byron

 

Laughter springs from the lawless part of our nature. -Agnes Repplier 

I remember certain people in the audience laughing and I wanted to ask: 'What are you laughing at? This isn't funny.' Now I realize that laughter can come from insecurity. They don't know how they should be feeling. -Jim Dale

When people are laughing, they're generally not killing each other. -Alan Alda

Though the clown is often deadpan, he is a connoisseur of laughter.-Mel Gusso

He was born with a gift of laughter and a sense that the world was mad. -Rafael Sabatini

Whoever said "laughter is the best medicine" never had gonorrhea.  -Kat Likkel and John Hoberg, My Name Is Earl, "Robbed a Stoner Blind," original airdate 16 November 2006

Nothing shows a man's character more than what he laughs at.  -Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

You laugh at me because I am different, but I laugh at you because you are all the same -Jonathan Davis

To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain, and play with it! -Charlie Chaplin

Why do we laugh at such terrible things? Because comedy is often the sarcastic realization of inescapable tragedy. -Bryant H. McGill

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win. -Mahatma Gandhi

S/he who laughs last, laughs best -unknown

http://brainyquote.com

http://quotegarden.com
http://quotations.about.com

New (more GLAM) Photos!!!

See the entire shoot by clicking HERE   Men judge generally more by the eye than by the hand, for everyone can see and few can feel. Every one sees what you appear to be, few really know what you are. --Niccolo Machiavelli, The Prince http://quotationspage.com
 

Musing of the day: When Athletic Prowess and a Rockin' Body Isn't Enough

photo credit


It seems that it's not enough these days to be a superstar athlete and an alpha female to boot. In order to meet the grade, you must be possessed of the plasticized good looks of Pam Anderson (not knocking Pam, as what bi fem doesn't love hot babes in bikinis? But let's face it, most of Hollywood is plastic.) I found out about this incident after hearing a story on BBC radio about body image workshops for pre-teens. Olympic superstar swimmer Rebecca Adlington has been harassed by a twitter hater named Callum Aspley, who sent a vicious tweet from a blackberry stating: "you shark fin nosed derkhead, you belong in that pool you f---ing whale (The Telegraph, June 2012)." It is apparent both from Adlington's low digit ratio as well as her strong facial features that she is super alpha, which makes sense, given her athletic prowess.

It appears that this type of harassment has not only become socially acceptable, but is now considered a badge of honor.   Ironically, the promotion of self-love and more "enlightened" parenting styles by both teachers and parents has also engendered a curious phenomenon: the disappearance of shame.  Shame, that much disparaged feeling that all teachers and parents are trying to protect their children from, might be the only thing, along with fear of punitive repercussion such as corporal punishment, that keeps otherwise insensitive people from committing acts of (non-consensual) sadism on others.  Ruthless, debased, and disgusting pranks such as the one devised by Dharun Ravi and Molly Wei resulting in New Jersey teen Tyler Clementi's death have now exhaulted the perpetrators of these acts to internet super-stardom.

Those in the public eye have long known that they need to draw on their strength of character to endure endless criticism from people they do not know, who often have motives that are purely political. Andy Warhol's proverbial 15 minutes has now been thrust upon us en masse, whether we want and appreciate it or not. While it is true that "sticks and stones may break your bones, but words will never hurt you (physically)" and while I also adamantly support freedom of speech and creative expression, at what point, exactly, Mr. Obama, does freedom of speech become an incendiary personal attack?




Related Links

Telegraph Story about Addlington Twitter Attack

The War on Truth

I've been having some fun with this animation software available on http://GoAnimate.com  It's ridiculously easy to use, and you can make a video for free.  I created this for 7 out of 8 human beings on earth.  Enjoy!

I'm for truth, no matter who tells it. I'm for justice, no matter who it's for or against.--Malcolm X

Moral DNA Test

 I heard about this test while listening to the Brian Lehr show on WNYC, and since it fits into the whole "self exploration" theme, I decided to give it a run.  Here are the results.

Who I am
You are a Philosopher RCO*

Philosophers believe that moral principle, or "virtue" is the most important ethical perspective. They ask "What would be the honest or courageous thing to do?" Then they'll consider the consequences for others. Finally and reluctantly they'll consider rules, laws and regulations. Philosophers hate being told what to do or what's right. They're mavericks and rebels, but good to have around when really difficult decisions have to be made. About 17% of adults are Philosophers.  [Ah, to be a minority, of a minority, of a minority!!!]
 

The letters in your MoralDNATM type show how you prefer to make difficult decisions based around three moral preferences. These are the Ethic of Obedience, the Ethic of Care and the Ethic of Reason, each represented by the letters O, C and R. The order of the letters in your type describes your first, second and third preferences in the way you use each moral preference to make good decisions.

Accuracy

The accuracy of your MoralDNATM ‘type’, be that Angel, Guardian or Enforcer etc., is dependent on the measurable difference in your test scores between the three ethics of Care, Obedience and Reason. Based on your answers to our questions, your scores highlight your priorities and preferences for the three ethics and places you within one dominant, or a combination of types. [Personal Note: Personal report surveys are always a little skewed, because of social conditioning and the desire to represent one's self in a way which is more "socially acceptable."  However, in my case, because I do not care what other people think, my report is definitely more accurate.]

Strengths 

 Good at solving difficult or complex dilemmas.

Weaknesses

Will break rules if they believe a higher principle is at stake. May sometimes [seemingly] lack empathy for others in making [necessary] rational decisions.  

Take the test here: https://profile.moraldna.org

Addendum:  I have noticed that my readership suffers considerably when I publish my more pensive, deliberative, introspective posts (you know, the ones without pictures and film clips) and recently, I had to change my introductory title description a bit so that more people "get" the fact that this blog is dark humor.  Unfortunately, in order to find the humor in most of these pieces, you must be well read, able to make inferences easily, and able to "read between the lines."  This has limited my reading audience to about ten percent of the adult population.  Stay tuned for more blog posts involving sex scandals and including gratuitous nude photos. 

Related Links:
Philosphical Humor http://philosophy.eserver.org/chicken.txt

Un-PC Cinderella

Once upon a time, in a developing country, far, far away, lived a man, a woman, and their little daughter.  They lived happily for some years, until the woman, who was frail and suffered from borderline-waif personality disorder, finally caught an illness that was not psycho-somatic, and she died, because her husband was so used to his wife complaining of this and that the he didn't really think anything of it.  The man, who we'll call Bill for simplicity's sake, who was strong and hardy, although unconscionably insensitive, waited a respectful amount of time before re-marrying a classless, trashy bitch who was way beneath him, but who he'd had an affair with on and off when the sickly neediness of his wife became too much for him.

This new woman, who we'll call Maddy, was stupid, hateful and insecure, and fed her ego by using her new husband's money to buy all sorts of designer clothing and expensive shoes, and she had two moon faced, pimply, stupid daughters from previous men who she'd thrown herself upon, only to find that she would wake up alone in bed the day after she divulged that she was pregnant.  After (barely) graduating from high school, she landed a gig working in a beauty supply store when she met her husband to be, who, upon meeting her, immediately experienced a strange combination of attraction and feelings of disgust for her kind.  This was the type of woman that he could live out his most perverse fantasies with without the experience of post-coital guilt.   After Bill's wife died, Maddy blackmailed him by telling him that she was pregnant (you'd think she would have learned from the first two times, but that's idiocy for you) and Bill consented to marry her, mostly for the sex, but also because he needed a babysitter for his little daughter, Cinderella.  This is not her real name, but no one remembers what it is, because her birth certificate was lost following her father's untimely death, and her step-mother did not know her birthday, or of any surviving family.  The coroners were unable to determine the cause of Bill's death, but they strongly suspected poisoning by Maddy, who was known to fly into jealous rages. However, even after the autopsy, they were unable to dig up sufficient evidence for a case against her, so they let it drop.

After their father's death, Cinderella, who was precocious and highly sensitive, and who already had enough of a hard time getting along with her two wicked step-sisters, Alexis and Briana, was forced to sleep on a mat in the kitchen due to lack of space, and sometimes her mother would come in at night in a drunken stupor and burn her with cigarettes, which is how she got her name.  Meanwhile, her sisters, who were still jealous of Cinderella (even after everything,) were staying in two beautiful rooms furnished with pink crepe curtains and white satin bedspreads, so full of toys, dolls and clothing that when their room was messy, it looked like a tornado had ripped through Toys 'r Us.  The two sisters felt uncomfortable by Cinderella's presence, for reasons that they were not sophisticated enough to analyze at an intellectual level.  They made fun of her and told her that she was ugly, gross, and dumb, and that they didn't want to play with her.  This amounted to classic Freudian projection, but they didn't know that of course, and after a few years they believed it so strongly, that they had forgotten what Cinderella was really like.

Cinderella's presence also greatly irritated Maddy, because she was a relic of a past relationship with another woman who she had always felt had gotten the best of Bill's love.  She was quick to eradicate any trace of this woman from the home, without any thought for how this might affect Cinderella.  At first, Cinderella complained bitterly about this to Maddy, as she was feisty and had a strong sense of herself, much like her father.  Maddy was determined to gain the upper hand in the situation in any way possible, and managed to call in a "specialist" who diagnosed her with

314.01 Attention Deficit Hyper-activity Disorder (Predominantly Hyperactive-Impulsive Type)

309.3 Adjustment Disorder with Disturbance of Conduct

and just to drive the last figurative nail in the proverbial coffin

300.14 Dissociative Identity Disorder

Maddy was subsequently able to pull Cinderella out of school for "private tutoring," however, the reality was that Cinderella amused herself at home by watching Sesame Street and Word World on PBS, and eventually taught herself how to read by sneaking into Alexis and Briana's rooms and paging through their books.   She presently learned that she could slip away to the public library during the day, where she exposed herself to copious amounts of information on a diverse range of topics.  As they grew older, the distance and animosity between the step-sisters and Cinderella intensified.  They suspected that Cinderella secretly thought that she was better than them, or maybe autistic, because she didn't laugh at their jokes, and didn't interest herself in their petty, mundane conversations.  Cinderella, although she never expressed it, was already posessed of a wisdom and and awareness of the true nature of others uncharacteristic for anyone her age, probably as a result of the difficulties she had endured in her life.  Although she did not think herself to be better than Alexis and Briana out of some sort of malice, it proved exceedingly hard for her to see them as "equals."

When she turned 14, Cinderella learned that the local high school had a special program designed for kids who were on "self study" which allowed them to participate in after school activities and even come to dances.  She politely asked her step-mother, who by this time was in a hot and heavy relationship with another man who deserved her,  a young accountant and former frat boy who had cheated his way through college and managed to secure a reasonably good position through a family connection, if she could be enrolled in this program.  Her step-mother quickly aquiesced, as Cinderella had learned to avoid disturbances at home by withdrawing to the study, and she was no longer seen as a threat.  Cinderella was immediately delighted, and managed to scrounge up 500 dollars by having a garage sale with all of the wicked step-sisters cast off clothing and toys so that she could buy a trumpet and join the marching band.  The music absorbed her, and she quickly forgot about her troubles as she practiced in the park.  She also joined the Russian club and the chess club, and became friends with a small group of students who were as thoughtful, studious, and intelligent as she was.  She never bothered to go to many dances, as she had seen the trouble that romance could bring, and was saving herself until after college, just to be safe.  Still, she had not been to homecoming, and senior year, she decided to "go stag,"  Unfortunately, she had to figure out how she was going to get a dress.  Luckily, one of her friends from the Russian club, who's father was a high powered lawyer, decided to let her have a dress that she had bought, but gained weight and was no longer able to fit in.  Cinderella greatfully accepted it, and as she had a creative streak, decided to embellish it with Swarovski beads and buttons that she bought from a craft store.  The dress looked amazing, and Cinderella, with her gaunt, malnourished frame and 5'8 stature, rivaled any fashion model out there.  She borrowed some of the wicked step sister's make-up and hair products, and a friend of hers came over to show her how to apply them.  After an hour of hot-rollers, microwave hot wax, and eyelash curling, she looked how every 17 year old dreams and longs to look:  just like a Barbie Doll.  She hopped in her friend's Volkswagen and they headed to the dance.

When they walked in, all heads turned towards the girls.  Who was she?  Was she a student at the school, or were the two girls "together?" (scandal of all scandals!!!) She immediately caught the eye of Jason, last year's homecoming king, basket ball star, and honors student.  He wandered up to the girls, and after making sure that they weren't "together," asked her to dance.  He only had eyes for Cinderella all night long, and at the end of the evening, asked her out on another date.  There was just something about her, something about her walk and the way she spoke, that captivated him.  With all that make-up and hair extensions, even the wicked step-sisters did not recognize her.   In fact, when she came home and mentioned her future date the next day before breakfast, they laughed at her, and told her she was delusional.  "He would never date someone like you," They snorted and laughed loudly and obnoxiously.  Cinderella rolled her eyes and was silent. She was above that sort of behavior, and with much irritation, scraped her plate into the garbage before leaving.  "Hey, aren't you going to get the rest of the table?"  They demanded, still laughing.  "Get it yourself!' She said coolly as she left.  

As it turned out, Cinderella ended up seeing Jason for quite some time, and he even wanted her to marry him and follow him out to Harvard.  Cinderella decided to let him go, as she discovered quickly that Jason was a self-absorbed, narcissistic personality, and after all of her years of strife and discord, she felt that she deserved to be in a relationship with someone who would treat her like the Goddess that she was. Cinderella couldn't help it, she was just hard-wired to be fabulous!  After graduating from college, she met a smart, engaging and dynamic (yet sensitive) businessman and part time musician at a cocktail party, who eventually hit it big with a proto-punk cover of "Who's Sorry Now?"  Cinderella was finally comfortable and content, but she was NOT content to waste away the best of her days at the salon.  She changed her name to Samantha and started a gluten free pizza business with idiot-proof conveyor belt style ovens which became a popular franchise.  Life lesson learned:  If you are female, it is not important how intelligent, persistent, athletic, or otherwise amazing you are; it is only important that you look hot, and wear a Dolce and Gabbana dress.

***Please note, all names have been changed for the protection of the guilty parties.  Alexis got pregnant before high school graduation, and had to drop out and take a job as a receptionist.  Briana married a jock who tried several times to go pro, but is currently working in electronics sales, and is just as petty, malicious, and stupid as herself.  Maddy's accountant husband ended up being accused of tax fraud, and had to move to an undisclosed location in South America to evade prosecution, and Maddy went with him.  Last word from the IRS: "Good riddance."

bla-bla meter bullshit index

I've always known that I'm very direct, concise, and "to the point," which is often the source of discomfort for other people.  I call it the way I see it, albeit, very diplomatically.  This was just some random text bot I ran across that analyzes written prose for signs of people committing the ultimate sin, and one of my number one pet peeves: talking a lot, and not really saying anything.  In lay terms, this is commonly known as "bullshit."  I cut and pasted several of my blogs into the bot, and the highest score that I got was 15%.

Your text: 5127 characters, 883 words

Bullshit Index :0.12

Your text shows only a few indications of 'bullshit'-English.

http://www.blablameter.com

Related Posts

• Major Advancements in AI- text bot (humor)
• More on Gender -gender guesser text bots
• What is Normal? (humor)

Brief Clip of MOI in a New Kinky Series

Well, although it's true that since I've relocated to NYC and have been keeping it Low Pro, I suppose I really couldn't resist the spotlight even as much as I tried. I decided to participate in this brief shoot for a short clip of me doing some fire play with a wonderful bottom, who had not submitted to this before seeing me. We did a quick test session before the day of the shoot at the producer's home before doing it for the camera, and he did smashingly.  Although we had done the test run in a dimly lit room, and it was certainly a little more challenging keeping track of the flame under the bright stage lighting.  Thankfully, no major burning occurred.

It was a long day on the set, and I got to meet Sinnamon, Celine, and Julie Simone as well as Vinny, who turned out to be quite the conversationalist, and who was good natured enough to let me test my singletail on his clothed back once or twice. I've got a little Italian in me as well, although I have to say, being Sicilian, that it's probably the more volatile, vendetta nurturing, mania prone half. I stepped out during the day to get a well brewed iced tea from the cafe next door, and took my tea on a walk around the block. I was feeling a little "glazed over" from the long hours in the dark studio. In an unfortunate turn of events, I was accosted by a homeless, possibly schizophrenic drug addict holding a "faggot," a bunch of thorny twigs tied together with string. He shouted "faggot" at me really loudly, brandishing the bundle. I became angry and promptly threw that delightfully brewed tea right in his face (what a waste of organic Rooibos, on someone who obviously wasn't a connoisseur of anything other than artisinal chrystal meth,) and he chased after me, wielding the faggot, which he hit me with. Thankfully, there were witnesses and I called the cops right away. I promised him, as I chased after him yelling at the top of my lungs, that I would kick his teeth out with my high heeled leather boots. I think he was more afraid of me than I was of him.

Anyway. Does this count as a hate crime?

So, to make a long story short, after this whole ordeal and a few more hours sitting at the set, we filmed my short clip for the title segment. I'm the one in the red corset and black leather skirt. Don't blink or you'll miss it.

Great Video, huh? I can't wait to see episode #2! You can also see me in my own propaganda short on youtube.

Click here to see me doing fire play on YOUtube

New Study Released by the Lovenstein Institute

A recent report from the Lovenstein Institute, a radical liberal think group, has released the IQ scores of various politicians.  I have included the IQs of various other famous public figures, as a reference.

Public Figure	Title(s)	IQ score	Percentage of the Population  (rough estimate)
Sarah Palin	Beauty Queen Career Politician	89	bottom 24%
Peter from "Family Guy"	Average Shmuck	90	bottom 26%
Ronald Reagan	Actor Politician	92	bottom 30%
George Bush	Career Politician	102	top 41%
Snooki from "Jersey Shore"	Reality TV Star	104	top 43%
Ahnold "the Governator" Schwarzenegger	Actor Career Politician	105	top 46%
Mitt Romney	Businessman Politician	115	top 18%
Barak Obama	Career Politician	125	top 5%
Michael Bloomberg	Businessman Politician	128	""
Ron Paul	Politician	128	""
Pam Anderson	Playboy Playmate Actress Vegan	129	top 4%
Lady Gia	Top Dominatrix Subject public obsession	135	top 3%
Bill Clinton	Career Politician	148	top 0.10%
Paris Hilton	Actress, Model,Dancer, Businesswoman, Party Tramp	152	""
Bill Gates	Professional Geek Formerly the Richest Man on Earth, now in 2nd place (loser!)	163	top 0.01%
Joyce McKinney	Beauty Pageant Queen Star of the documentary "Tabloid"	165	""
Albert Einstein	Famous Scientist who kicked off a Jew-fro rage back in the 1940s	168	""
Marilyn Vos Savant	Someone you've never heard of	228	top .00000001%

The spokesperson of the Lovenstein Institute, Henri Menteur, in an interview with Smear Campaign Today, a bimonthly magazine that distributes propaganda to a dedicated subscriber base of roughly 300, 000, claimed that their elite group of scientists, who were qualified based on numerous strict criteria analyzed by a special algorithm which takes into account education, accomplishments, political affiliation, and favorite cookie shape, discerned this information by using this same algorithm to analyze various famous people based on their accomplishments, samples of their writing, SAT scores, and favorite types of hair products (no--really, there's a relationship!)

The interviewer for SCT pressed Monsieur Menteur, since some of these findings posed huge contradictions to long held ideas about intelligence and success, claiming that these numbers seemed to correlate more significantly with the public figures' popularity ratings.  SCT further noted, that based on these findings, Paris Hilton, who has quite a remarkable ability to play dumb while running quite a few successful cologne and handbag businesses, might have more of what it takes to be president than Bill Clinton, who thinks with two heads instead of one.  M. Menteur quickly retracted, saying that according to his official political stance, IQ has very little bearing upon success, and that it has much more to do with family connections and privilege.  Abashedly, he admitted that a few of the scores were based on self reports.  Even so, these findings will be touted by liberals across the country as "scientific proof" of their innate superiority.

Related Posts

• Democratic Parenting (humor)
• German Castration Legislation (dark humor)
• What is funny, exactly?
• Lady G's Art of Psychological Warfare (dark humor)
• New Ban on Alpha Females in Sports (extremely dark, viscious humor)

References
IQ expressed as a percentile of the population
Forbes list of Billionaires
Wikipedia

Gender and Handwriting Analysis

In my continual investigation into the expression of gender, I discovered a website that looks into the differences between "masculine" and "feminine" handwriting. As it turns out, a person's gender role is just as important as their biological sex when it comes to expression in handwriting. I have not delved into this very deeply, but it does seem to be another small part of a whole constellation of behaviors that are expressions of gender. I have quoted the following passage from http://www.tsroadmap.com's discussion of the topic:

Most English-speaking countries tend to characterize "feminine" handwriting as neat, even, round, small, ornate and symmetrical, while handwriting assumed to be "masculine" often gets described as hurried, uneven, messy, spiky, sloping and bold. One comparative study in another language (Hamid 1996) suggests that some of these stereotypes cross over into other cultures and writing systems.

One early study (Lester 1977) examined "males who write with handwriting judged to be feminine and vice versa" and concluded their handwriting "is not reliably associated in these studies with femininity or with sexual orientation." However, later studies have suggested that most people can discern a writer's sex with better than chance accuracy. One study of handwriting specimens from 73 men and 168 women (Sappington 2003) found a mean handwriting tidiness score for men was 1.8 and 2.8 for women, a significant difference of 1 point on a 5-point scale: "Masculine Gender Role predicted sloppy penmanship and Feminine Gender Role predicted tidy writing, independent of the writers' biological sex." Another study (Hayes 1996) found students were able to discern writer sex at the 75% accuracy level even with small amounts of material, sometimes only a single letter or a single geometric pattern: "It was suggested that sex or gender is present in handwriting in much the same way as it is present in movement of the whole body."

It is interesting that there are many outward expressions of our inner selves, not limited to our manner of dressing, but also including our choice of language, our gait, and our responses to different sorts of events.  This type of thing seems to be curiously fascinating, yet simultaneously extremely  threatening to a certain subset of people.  It is currently highly un-politically correct to entertain any ideas that we may, in fact, be influenced by anything other than our environment and our socio-economic status.  When the idea of digit ratio as an indicator of behavior and sexual orientation became a craze in the gay community after it was introduced on an episode of the "L Word" television show, it also was blasted by other segments of the lesbian community, as in this commentary for the blog True/Slant.  The fact is that studies show trends, correlations, and patterns, and they can be highly useful in the analysis of the aggregate, but it is more complicated to apply these finding from large groups to individuals. Still, I have found self exploration of these topics has rather been liberating and freeing, as it has confirmed what I already have known about myself, but which society denied.

Source: thornybleeder.com via Brian on Pinterest

When in doubt, tell the truth. --Mark Twain
http://brainyquote.com

Related Links
• Digit ratio and personality (dark humor)
• Geek out! -Gender and Language-Text Bots
• Hormone Influences on Facial Structure
• Geek out! -Gender Identity Quiz from BBC
• Geek out! -Graphology tests
• Geek out! -Conversation Text Bots (dark humor)

While I was at it...

I couldn't help geeking out by taking at least one handwriting analysis quiz while searching for info on gender and handwriting. (It appears that I have androgynous handwriting, just FYI, although I never did a truly detailed analysis.)

Analysis Conducted By: Lady G 

Subject Of Handwriting Analysis: Ms. Gia R 

Handwriting Sample Details Size: Moderately Large 

Sample Ink Colour: Black    /   Writing Implement: Biro    /     Paper Type: Plain 

Personality Chart 

To begin the analysis, the subject's handwriting shows more of a fluency and flow than the average script. The writing impulse is unbroken and the words sweep forward with relative ease. This released writing indicates a generally easy-going and less conformist attitude than the average. The subject will prefer the unusual to the familiar, and will be more likely to express her emotions and feelings than a writer with restrained script. The pressure used throughout the script is average in intensity, indicating that the subject is able to maintain a balance between too much activity and too great a degree of lethargy

Hmm, this is true.  I've always been an independent thinker, and a bit of a non-conformist.  I also prided myself on my independence and autonomy from an early age, whether it was achieving financial independence at the age of 21, or going somewhere without the need to invite the whole clique along with me.

The subject has a signature that is larger than 85% of the population. She sees herself in a relative position of power and responsibility, with greater feelings of self-importance and worth. She is more confident than the average signer. The signature is written quite illegibly indicating some sense of superiority. Writers who scrawl their signature are saying that the reader of the document should know who they are, without having to actually be able to read the words. She is also conveying the impression that she is working at high speed under pressure, and this is all of her valuable time that she can spend on the issue. A small proportion of missing 'i' dots in the script indicates that the subject has mild tendencies towards an independent personality. She will be reasonably self-sufficient and resourceful individual who prefers to make her own decisions. She will be more cheerful resilient and placid than most, and be less concerned with the opinions of others. She can cope with crises, but prefers to be alone at times of emotional stress. She is less likely to want to be part of a group or movement if this interferes with her independent preferences. 

Wow, more again on my independence.  Maybe there is something to this 'psuedo-science' after all...

The handwriting is very simplified, and this indicates that the subject is highly intelligent (scoring 4 out of a possible 5 in the IQ categories). She has the intellectual capacity that would enable her to be successful in a career such as accountant, lawyer, doctor or university lecturer. 

 What!!! Only 4 out of 5?!  This stuff is bullshit.

There are some indications within the handwriting of compulsive behaviour. Compulsiveness is an anxiety reducing strategy in which the subject makes a ritual out of many of the most trivial aspects of life. When attempting to solve problems which cause anxiety, she will attempt to do so by constant and repetitive efforts. This will be maintained, even if the problem turns out to be insoluble. Such an exaggerated determination means that the subject is often regarded by others as being conscientious. However, because of these rigid problem solving strategies she finds it difficult to look at problems from a fresh angle and to consider a different method of approach. All these, and many other forms of compulsive behaviour are best summed up as 'not being able to leave well alone'. At present, the subject's level of compulsive behaviour is probably a mild inconvenience, but it could prove to dominate her existence. This should be taken as a warning sign to take life rather less seriously, to strive for less perfection, precision and order, and to relax more often. 

What? Me, complusive?  No!                            Does extreme sex count as a compulsion?

There are cases of isolated ambiguity throughout the script which shows that the subject is over-concerned with concealment. She is attempting to cover up, and keep aspects of her personality or private life hidden from view or cloaked in mystery. This type of handwriting is found in professions which demand a high degree of confidence keeping, such as lawyers, bankers and doctors. It is wrong to interpret isolated ambiguity as a sign of a deceitful personality, but it does show a need for the subject to hide some part of her personality or background which may cause embarrassment or anxiety. 

I knew this shit was quackery.

There are a few indications in the handwriting that, at the time of writing, the subject was suffering from mild stress. This may be temporary, for example if she was upset, tired, or working against a deadline. However, the subject may be living at an unacceptable level of stress, one which is beginning to affect her physical well being. She should try to reduce stress whenever possible, relax more frequently, check her diet, and perhaps take more exercise.  END OF REPORT Ihttp://www.graphonomizer.co.uk/graphonomizer.asp

Well, I guess I'll be putting out an invitation for more foot stools and massage sluts. Perhaps a trip to the spa is in order. Or, maybe I just need to kick more ass to get the endorphins going.

Related Links- Quizes and Self Discovery
• Ihttp://www.graphonomizer.co.uk - Free Handwriting Analysis
• Geek out! -Gender and Language-Text Bots
• Geek out! -Gender Identity Quiz from BBC
• Geek out! -Conversation Text Bots (dark humor)

Lady G's Art of Pyschological Warfare.

Even in spite of the peace-nik rhetoric from stinky hippies around the globe, the reality is, that war is sometime necessary for self preservation of both individuals and entities.  I have not tried to improve upon the venerable works of those such as Sun Tzu.  Instead, I have formulated my own ideas that are especially suited to my unique situation.

1.  When your enemies are dishonorable, immoral animals, never avoid conflict in order to be "the better person."  When a person is dishonorable, they will not recognize honor in another.  Fight fire with fire, and vengeance should be swift.  If some stupid fat-ass cuts in front of you in line, announce very loudly to the entire shop that he is a barn animal and that he needs to take his place in the back of the line.  You've alerted others to his sub-human behavior and hopefully, if he has any human DNA, will feel ashamed of what he has done.

2.  Understand your enemies weaknesses, and exploit them mercilessly.  If you truly understand your enemy, victory may be as simple as tying the noose and allowing your enemy to hang themselves in it.  For instance: if you are verbally harrassed by some half wit bitchy skanks dressed head to toe in forever-21, allow them to continue to make inane comments until it is obvious that they are borderline retarded, and you look good by comparison. This is the one exception to rule number 1, provided that you also ascribe to rule number 6. 

3.  Although you will understand your enemies by virtue of your keen intellect and highly developed intuitive abilities, allow them as little information about yourself as possible.  An enemy who underestimates your true capacities will succumb to a swift and humiliating defeat.  For instance, when hustling pool, never let on that you've played before and are pretty good.  Let the other party think that you suck ass, and then let them think they're suckering you into a big bet.

4.  When you are strong, play weak, when weak, play strong.  If you've got pocket rockets and there's a maniac in late position, play it like you've got 8-9 off suit and were hoping to get lucky on the flop.  Your maniac opponent will be blindsided when they bet big and you re-raise them.  You may even get them to throw all their chips in the pot.  (This trick only works with maniacs, when all the normal people at the table are playing so tight they can't pass gas.  In normal situations, you risk being out flopped by some jack-wad who limps in with 8-3 suited and hits two pair. Statistically improbable, but it happens.)

5.  Sometimes, playing weak for too long can get you into trouble.  If you have a cold run of cards, no one will respect your bet.  Show your strong hands so that people know you mean business.  Sometimes, you have to do it again and again for the dumbest people at the table to get the idea.  Always alert others to your amazing talents, whether it be the ability to invent dessert sauces for home-made, not-from-a-mix cakes spontaneously,  read and write at the post-baccalaureate level (this is unusual, even for college graduates), or your incredible knack for tying someone spread-eagled and suspending them from the ceiling.

6.  Last, but not least, put out lots of personal propaganda that people read voluntarily every week.  If you do not do this, you will allow your enemies to spread slanderous untruths about you, and the average sheep an mynah bird will listen without comprehending or analyzing for themselves whether the information is likely to be true.  After only a few times, the mynah birds will be parroting the lies for other species of birds, and a cacophony of ridiculous lies will somehow become accepted as fact.  Tell others what to believe about you first.  You can pretty much say almost anything you want... It's that easy.



Be peaceful, be courteous, obey the law, respect everyone; but if someone puts his hand on you, send him to the cemetery. --Malcolm X  http://www.brainyquote.com

War cannot be avoided; it can only be postponed to the other's advantage.  A prince [or leader] should ... have no other aim or thought, nor take up any other thing for his study but war and it organization and discipline, for that is the only art that is necessary to one who commands.  --Niccolo Machiavelli, The Prince

http://quotationspage.com

 

Related Posts

• My personal accounts of harassment
• Human Justice Throughout the Ages
• Iron Crotch Qi Gong
• The New Order in Parenting







    Source: whiskeysoaked.tumblr.com via Moorea on Pinterest

http://cookdingskitchen.blogspot.com
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/48_laws_of_power

What is funny, exactly?

I've spent a little time delving into the "science of funny." What makes something funny, and why is it different for different people? Why is it that seemingly un-funny things can be funny in certain situations? For example: A big fat man in an inflatable tube wearing Hawaiian shorts, goggles, and flippers. Not really that funny at the beach. But walking into the Metropolitain Opera House? Pretty funny!!! The simplistic pseudo-scientific analysis of what makes things funny seems to indicate psychological incongruity, in other words, things that just don't seem to fit our paradigm of reality. Drag queens/kings have historically been the subject of humor, even since Shakespearean times. Take a filthy, sweaty taxi driver and dress him in some high heels and a pencil skirt and send him into Bloomingdale's to buy a new purse, and it's high comedy. For the same reason, a beautiful, feminine woman who enters a club in in a slinky dress, but then walks to the bar, orders a whisky, and begins smoking a cigar while back slapping a couple of monkey suits at the bar is entertaining, not to mention threatening. It's just not supposed to happen that way. Two things just don't seem to fit together, and the brain perceives it as hilarious. I like to think of humor as a tickling session for the brain.

But good humor draws upon the dark, horrible, and macabre. This is the reason why "springtime for Hitler in Germany" from the musical The Producers is so horrifically funny, and from my own experience, it was much funnier for my 82 year old grandmother, who actually lived through WWII, than it was for myself. Certain types of humor may be generationally and culturally influenced. For instance, I see that there was much more of a predilection for slapstick and burlesque style humor in the early part of the century (Three Stooges, the Marx Brothers, Lucille Ball, Jerry Lewis), which later gave way to a more intellectual brand of humor (Woody Allen,) and later gave way to more of an appreciation for ironic humor and sarcasm (Jerry Sinefeld)  and that special brand of Gen Y, punk rock, flippant and irreverent humor.

I have a different theory about what makes things funny, and it's a little more complex than the simplistic version offered during a show about humor on NPR. What is funny to one person or another involves a complex interplay between cultural, biological traits and personal experience. Just as there seems to be a biological basis for certain types of phobias, there may indeed be a biological basis for certain types of humor, and it is most certainly culturally influenced. Humor is inherently mean spirited, since it more often than not preys upon deep seated insecurities and vulnerabilities.  Lucille Ball is constantly finding herself in terrible predicaments, and we delight in each episode in which she sunburns and is forced into tweed suits for fashion shows, and when she gets pelted with grapes at a winery in Italy and turns entirely purple we find this to be vraiment drole. Let's face it, most people like to think of themselves as loving and compassionate, but when it really comes down to it, they're natural sadistic fucks who delight at the chance to enjoy fun at someone else's expense. 

The best humorists have a talent for understanding psychology and manipulating others, and it is even possible to use what I like to call "reverse-reverse psychology," which is basically saying what you really mean, and making a joke out of it so people don't take it seriously, but meanwhile leaving them to wonder how much stake you really take in that joke (George Carlin.) Humor is necessarily a punk on your audience, in the same way that those sexy birthday cards with promises of naked babes inside only end up proffering an inapropos insult. Humor is often necessarily offensive, and this is why comedians often find themselves "sitting at the children's table" at official events (Fran Liebowitz) and you can be fired for making the right comment at the wrong time (Gilbert Gottfried.) Try as one might, it is impossible to be funny and be entirely PC, because the fact of the matter is, someone's shortcomings are always a joke to someone, whether it be dumb blondes, cheap Jews, or low class rednecks. Hated groups are often the butts of the jokes, whether they have been blacks in the segregated south, Jews in Hitler's Germany, or the hard-ass right in libero-nazi territory. True, humor draws from our most unsavory and barbaric emotions, mainly hate, violent impulses, and rank sexuality, but even in spite of the fact that most people like to think of themselves as socially responsible humanists, no one wants PC humor.  It's like watching the censored version of the South Park dirty sex tape episode and wondering why it wasn't as funny as the first time you saw it.  One of the moms at my kids preschool mentioned to me that cookie monster no longer eats cookies on Sesame Street.  'Tis a sad, sad day when the morality police can prevent the enjoyment of a simple pleasure on a once wacky and playful children's television program.

Humorists always sit at the children's table -Woody Allen

NPR story on humor
Huffington Post- Brainy Comedians
http://lifequoteslib.com

The Best of JackAss-click here

Ha!!!You laughed you sick perv!!! 

(You know it's funny)

New photos from Anthelian Shoot

Photographer Anthelian did a community photo shoot at the Iron Bell Academy. Here are some of the Images from the shoot.

Words of Genius, Compiled for the Consumption of the Masses

Towering genius disdains a beaten path. It seeks regions hitherto unexplored. -Abraham Lincoln

Ridicule is the tribute paid to the genius by the mediocrities. -Oscar Wilde 

When nature has work to be done, she creates a genius to do it. -Ralph Waldo Emerson 

Great intellects are skeptical. -Friedrich Nietzche 

Genius must be born, and never can be taught.

-John Dryden

When a true genius appears in this world, you may know him by this sign, that the dunces are all in confederacy against him.  -Jonathan Swift

Talent works, genius creates.  -Robert A Schumann

The public is wonderfully tolerant. It forgives everything except genius.  -Oscar Wilde

Genius always finds itself a century too early.  

 -Ralph Waldo Emerson

The Artist is he who detects and applies the law from observation of the works of Genius, whether of man or Nature. The Artisan is he who merely applies the rules which others have detected. -Henry David Thoreau 

The true genius shudders at incompleteness - and usually prefers silence to saying something which is not everything it should be.  -Edgar Allan Poe

Men of lofty genius when they are doing the least work are most active.  -Leonardo da Vinci 

Genius goes around the world in its youth incessantly apologizing for having large feet. What wonder that later in life it should be inclined to raise those feet too swiftly to fools and bores.   -F. Scott Fitzgerald 

Talent hits a target no one else can hit; Genius hits a target no one else can see.   -Arthur Schopenhauer

Mediocrity knows nothing higher than itself, but talent instantly recognizes genius.   -Arthur Conan Doyle

In the republic of mediocrity, genius is dangerous.   -Robert Green Ingersoll 

Great Spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.  -Albert Einstein

He who seldom speaks, but with one calm well timed word can strike dumb the loquacious, is a genius or a hero.  -Johann Kaspar Lavater

Talent may in time be forgiven, but genius, never.  

-Lord Byron

Thousands of geniuses live and die undiscovered - either by themselves or by others.  -Mark Twain

Man as an individual is a genius. But men in the mass form the headless monster, a great, brutish idiot that goes where prodded.   -Charlie Chaplin

The amount of eccentricity in a society has generally been proportional to the amount of genius, mental vigor, and moral courage it contained. That so few now dare to be eccentric marks the chief danger of the time.  

 -John Stuart Mill 

There is a sacred horror about everything grand. It is easy to admire mediocrity and hills; but whatever is too lofty, a genius as well as a mountain, an assembly as well as a masterpiece, seen too near, is appalling.   -Victor Hugo 

Geniuses and supergeniuses always make their own rules about sex as on everything else; they do not accept the monkey customs of their lessers. -Robert A. Heinlein

Genius might be the ability to say a profound thing in a simple way. -Charles Bukowski 


Mediocrity can talk; but it is for genius to observe.
-Benjamin Disraeli

http://brainyquote.com 
http://goodreads.com
http://miquotes.com
http://notable-quotes.com
http://thinkexist.com 
http://thequotegarden.com
http://quoteland.com 
http://wisdomquotes.com

Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do -Apple Commercial

Related Posts

•  Words of Brilliance and Wisdom, compiled for your convenience (quotes)
• A guide for Dommes on Various sorts of Bottoms (dark humor)
• No child left behind: Athletics (dark humor) 

Musings on Jealousy

Aside from my innate alpha-ness compared to other females, there is probably one more reason that some of my closest friends in my lifetime have been men, and that is jealousy and backbiting on the part of other girls. Even if things start out okay, other women are bound to be intimidated by me eventually, for myriad reasons, including my intellectual superiority, my incredible physique which I maintain without dieting (fast metabolism), and my refusal to play the game. In fact, many men are intimidated by my presence and talents, firstly, because they want to cling to their deep seated and false beliefs of male superiority, and secondly, because I fuck their girlfriends better than they do.

I've been told that I have an aura of un-approachability; perhaps that is true, and my aloof demeanor comes across as arrogance. I've found that most of the time, since other women are basically pre-ordained to be threatened by me, that attempting to be nice isn't really worth the effort. When backbiting occurs, the vicious words, efforts to counter-intmidate me and bully me, are simply transparent attempts to deal with their own subconscious jealousy.  My apparent lack of concern elicits yet stronger fervor of passion. When I enter a room, all attention is directed towards me. I hear nervous twittering. What would normally be a friendly exchange at my kickboxing gym, poker tournaments, or a scrabble club, becomes a chance for one-up-man-ship. A normal mistake, such as dropping your keys or forgetting an appointment becomes the rare moment for a jab or a dig.

I don't feel the need to turn on the charm, although I'm extremely skilled at it when I choose to be. I've decided that I enjoy letting them marinate in their own insecurities and jealousies, and that the negative attention is yet further proof of my exceptionalness. I do not need to conform to mediocrity, nor will I kowtow to the mediocre in order to alleviate their sense of inferiority and make them feel comfortable. I can allow others to kiss my ass, and it's the most delightful feeling in the world.

Jealousy is the tribute mediocrity pays to genius.
Fulton J. Sheen

If you are great, be proud.  If you are not great, learn humility.

-anonymous

In China they say, 'The thinner the chopsticks, the higher the social status.' Of course, I got the thinnest I could find.....that's why people hate me.  -Martha Stewart

Psychiatry doesn't help when the problem is society
-Lady G 

http://brainyquote.com

http://www.afterquotes.com

Democratic Parenting

I decided that I was willing to try a new approach, bending my usual authoritative ways and try "enlightened parenting." After all, children are just small versions of adults, with their own ideas and tastes, so I decided that we would decide things based on votes--majority rule.  For breakfast, I decided I wanted to feed my kids oatmeal, but the children outvoted me, two to one, to have rainbow fluff corn. Begrudgingly, I relented, remembering that I had decided to abide by democratic principles, and although I secretly grumbled about the insulin spike they were subjecting their bodies to so early in the morning, I decided to let it go and get them dressed. Given that it was raining, I decided to dress my daughter in a long sleeved cotton dress with leggings and rainboots, but the children outvoted me, two to one, to wear swimming trunks and sandals, and their favorite pj tops.  I packed them lunches of apples, salted nuts, and cheese sanwiches, but once again, it was a shut out when the children voted for pancakes with syrup, snickers bars, and fruit jellies.

When I picked them up from school, I decided that most likely, the children should have gotten in touch with their issues of control, and perhaps felt a little more comfortable, maybe even enough to try a healthy dinner.  However, the children overruled my suggestion for lemon marinated fish and vegetable pilaf, and instead demanded potato chips, pretzels, and ice cream.  By this time I decided to boycott my obligation as household chef, given that my professional expertise, training, and authority as a parent was being constantly overridden.  The children responded by monopolizing the television, and voting to stay up late to play Little Big Planet and pass that pesky ice bunker level.  They were too tired to go to school the next day, and slept in until noon, and I had to cancel my meeting with my client.  A bit frustrating, true, but it's all for a good cause...my children will be the most empowered of any of their friends, and never have to struggle through early adulthood issues with control.  I've also discovered that I'll never have to cook another hot meal.  Bravo for enlightened parenting!

George Carlin on kids

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New video posted on youtube

I've posted a video on youtube to showcase some of my skills.

Talk is cheap.

Action speaks volumes.

What is a "real" Dominatrix?

After moving to New York City and working briefly in various houses of kink, I was horrified to discover how little training most of the "dommes" had. I had come from a place where all girls had to move through the ranks before becoming a dominant, in the process, learning various skills, including safety techniques, and BDSM etiquette. Most of the girls who were working were lifestyle, at least to some extent, and their work was their passion and their art. In contrast, in NYC I discovered fly by night, glorified strippers who had no concept of what was entailed in power play, and girls who had been working for two days who decided to engage in play piercing, and even *shudder* medical injections. I think there is a lot of confusion over what a "real" Dominatrix is, so I decided to put forth a few criteria, which will enable others to discern what a "real" Dominatrix is.

1.) Real Dommes are lifestyle. This means that they attend play parties, and usually have at least one slave/bottom of their own, that they play with regularly.

2.) Real Dommes attend training sessions, and are usually members of at least one BDSM organization, such as The Eulenspiegel Society(TES), Lesbian Sex Mafia (LSM), Masters and slaves Together (MAsT), or Domme/Sub Friends here in NYC, or Threshold or Lair De Sade in Los Angeles.

3.) Real Dommes understand what a psychological/emotional powerplay is, as well as how to make one, and are deeply in touch with their dominant and aggressive energy. Simply putting on a latex catsuit and Louis Vuitton boots does not entitle you to call yourself a Real Domme, although you may qualify as a "fashion top."

4.) Real Dommes are proficient with the use of all sorts of equipment, and will be familiar with most types of devices and tools used in sessions. This means that they can use them skillfully, hit their target with 95% accuracy (nobody's perfect) and do not cause permanent markings unless specifically intended, such as in branding.

5.) Lastly, if the Lady in question has taken the time to develop advanced skills, such as how to do piercing safely (using sterile needle technique), other types of medical play using sterile methods, how to use a singletail, or how to do suspension bondage (safely, using the appropriate knots and precautions), and if she happens to have some sort of medical background, this qualifies her as a Top Domme.

Of course, I am not so naive as to discount the fact that certainly, chemistry matters. Just as I would never want to take on a lifestyle sub unless I had chemistry with them, even if it was simply personality chemistry, I think that certainly, there must be a sexual charge of some sort between Domme and sub. I simply wonder if some of these poor schlubs know how they're taking their lives in their hands allowing some of these dumb bitches to perform surgical techniques on them. Then again, perhaps that's part of the appeal...

Related Posts

• Types of fuckholes and how to treat them: A guide for Dommes (dark humor)
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More Self Discovery: Enneagram Typing

I've always been kind of skeptical of the enneagram, since I've always gotten different results (even with the same tests) depending upon my mood when I take them.  It's definitely does not have the  applications of the Meyer's Briggs, which was developed specifically for clinical use.  Still, I find myself vaguely interested in it, and decided to take several different tests to get the most well rounded picture of myself possible.  It seems to appear that I am most likely some combination of 8 and 7.

Similar Minds Enneagram Test

Your main type is Type 7	Your variant is self pres

Your main type is which ever behavior you utilize most and/or prefer. Your variant reflects your scoring profile on all nine types: so = social variant (compliant, friendly), sx = sexual variant (assertive, intense), sp = self preservation variant (withdrawn, security seeking).

http://similarminds.com/test.html

Enneagram Test with Instinctual Variants  You are most likely a type 8 (the Challenger) with 7 wing  (Sexual variant) Type 8 SX Type 3 SX Type 1 SX Type 5 SX Type 4 SX Type 7 SO Type 9 SX Type 6 SX Type 2 SP

http://www.eclecticenergies.com/enneagram/test-2.php

RHETI Enneagram Type Indicator Resuts:  Your highest score will indicate you basic type, or it will be among the top 2-3 scores. You have answered all the questions -- terrific!

Type 1	Type 2	Type 3	Type 4	Type 5	Type 6	Type 7	Type 8	Type 9
6	4	4	3	3	2	5	5	4

http://www.9types.com/cgi-bin/ennea

This was the last one I took, which involved choosing pictures or icons that were most pleasing to you.  This seems to be the one test which is entirely divergent from most of the others, and probably the least acurate.  Yeah... I'm not really seeing the 3, honestly.  

Enneagram Explorations Test

Enneagram Type 3

Performer, Motivator, Achiever, Producer or Status Seeker

You want to be competent, efficient, accomplished and dynamic. Most importantly, you want to be good at what you do and to look good doing it. You may have problems with vanity. Under stress you may be self-promoting, self-deceptive and competitive. At your best, you are self-confident, motivated and productive.

http://www.enneagram.net/tests/sampler

It's interesting that one of my psychotherapists seems to have believed I was the ultimate 7, but I think I am more of an 8, since I've never had some of the addictions that 7s tend to be absorbed with, like drinking and drugs, and although I've jokingly refered to myself as a "sex addict," I'm not truly a sex addict either.  Also, I would describe myself as more of a "realist" than an "optimist." I do however, have a wide variety of interests and enjoy sensual pleasures, such as food, massages, and of course, BDSM.  I'm pleasure seeking, but in a pretty controlled, responsible sort of way, rather than an abandoned manner.  In addition, it often helps to determine how you respond in stress and in comfort, as an 8 will often act out the unhealthy aspects of a 5 in stress, and go to 2 in security, while a seven will go to 1 in stress, and 5 in security.  

The trouble with self reports is that people often have an unconscious need to see themselves differently than they truly are, for a variety of reasons.  Here, I could go off on a tangent about questions of test validity and design, and the importance of using a well designed test as opposed to the disastrous consequences of relying upon poorly designed tests for important information. This is probably why most official and clinical tests are subject to constant statistical analysis, reviews, and modification. The only effective way of examining a person's personality is by looking at the history of their actions.  As the old saying goes, actions speak louder than words.  Of course, I don't hold much stock in the enneagram anyway.

Related Links:

http://www.9types.com
Enneagram 8 humor
Enneagram 7 humor