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Showing posts with label dark humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dark humor. Show all posts
9.20.2012
The War on Truth
9.09.2012
Un-PC Cinderella
Once upon a time, in a developing country, far, far away, lived a man, a woman, and their little daughter. They lived happily for some years, until the woman, who was frail and suffered from borderline-waif personality disorder, finally caught an illness that was not psycho-somatic, and she died, because her husband was so used to his wife complaining of this and that the he didn't really think anything of it. The man, who we'll call Bill for simplicity's sake, who was strong and hardy, although unconscionably insensitive, waited a respectful amount of time before re-marrying a classless, trashy bitch who was way beneath him, but who he'd had an affair with on and off when the sickly neediness of his wife became too much for him.
This new woman, who we'll call Maddy, was stupid, hateful and insecure, and fed her ego by using her new husband's money to buy all sorts of designer clothing and expensive shoes, and she had two moon faced, pimply, stupid daughters from previous men who she'd thrown herself upon, only to find that she would wake up alone in bed the day after she divulged that she was pregnant. After (barely) graduating from high school, she landed a gig working in a beauty supply store when she met her husband to be, who, upon meeting her, immediately experienced a strange combination of attraction and feelings of disgust for her kind. This was the type of woman that he could live out his most perverse fantasies with without the experience of post-coital guilt. After Bill's wife died, Maddy blackmailed him by telling him that she was pregnant (you'd think she would have learned from the first two times, but that's idiocy for you) and Bill consented to marry her, mostly for the sex, but also because he needed a babysitter for his little daughter, Cinderella. This is not her real name, but no one remembers what it is, because her birth certificate was lost following her father's untimely death, and her step-mother did not know her birthday, or of any surviving family. The coroners were unable to determine the cause of Bill's death, but they strongly suspected poisoning by Maddy, who was known to fly into jealous rages. However, even after the autopsy, they were unable to dig up sufficient evidence for a case against her, so they let it drop.
After their father's death, Cinderella, who was precocious and highly sensitive, and who already had enough of a hard time getting along with her two wicked step-sisters, Alexis and Briana, was forced to sleep on a mat in the kitchen due to lack of space, and sometimes her mother would come in at night in a drunken stupor and burn her with cigarettes, which is how she got her name. Meanwhile, her sisters, who were still jealous of Cinderella (even after everything,) were staying in two beautiful rooms furnished with pink crepe curtains and white satin bedspreads, so full of toys, dolls and clothing that when their room was messy, it looked like a tornado had ripped through Toys 'r Us. The two sisters felt uncomfortable by Cinderella's presence, for reasons that they were not sophisticated enough to analyze at an intellectual level. They made fun of her and told her that she was ugly, gross, and dumb, and that they didn't want to play with her. This amounted to classic Freudian projection, but they didn't know that of course, and after a few years they believed it so strongly, that they had forgotten what Cinderella was really like.
Cinderella's presence also greatly irritated Maddy, because she was a relic of a past relationship with another woman who she had always felt had gotten the best of Bill's love. She was quick to eradicate any trace of this woman from the home, without any thought for how this might affect Cinderella. At first, Cinderella complained bitterly about this to Maddy, as she was feisty and had a strong sense of herself, much like her father. Maddy was determined to gain the upper hand in the situation in any way possible, and managed to call in a "specialist" who diagnosed her with
This new woman, who we'll call Maddy, was stupid, hateful and insecure, and fed her ego by using her new husband's money to buy all sorts of designer clothing and expensive shoes, and she had two moon faced, pimply, stupid daughters from previous men who she'd thrown herself upon, only to find that she would wake up alone in bed the day after she divulged that she was pregnant. After (barely) graduating from high school, she landed a gig working in a beauty supply store when she met her husband to be, who, upon meeting her, immediately experienced a strange combination of attraction and feelings of disgust for her kind. This was the type of woman that he could live out his most perverse fantasies with without the experience of post-coital guilt. After Bill's wife died, Maddy blackmailed him by telling him that she was pregnant (you'd think she would have learned from the first two times, but that's idiocy for you) and Bill consented to marry her, mostly for the sex, but also because he needed a babysitter for his little daughter, Cinderella. This is not her real name, but no one remembers what it is, because her birth certificate was lost following her father's untimely death, and her step-mother did not know her birthday, or of any surviving family. The coroners were unable to determine the cause of Bill's death, but they strongly suspected poisoning by Maddy, who was known to fly into jealous rages. However, even after the autopsy, they were unable to dig up sufficient evidence for a case against her, so they let it drop.
After their father's death, Cinderella, who was precocious and highly sensitive, and who already had enough of a hard time getting along with her two wicked step-sisters, Alexis and Briana, was forced to sleep on a mat in the kitchen due to lack of space, and sometimes her mother would come in at night in a drunken stupor and burn her with cigarettes, which is how she got her name. Meanwhile, her sisters, who were still jealous of Cinderella (even after everything,) were staying in two beautiful rooms furnished with pink crepe curtains and white satin bedspreads, so full of toys, dolls and clothing that when their room was messy, it looked like a tornado had ripped through Toys 'r Us. The two sisters felt uncomfortable by Cinderella's presence, for reasons that they were not sophisticated enough to analyze at an intellectual level. They made fun of her and told her that she was ugly, gross, and dumb, and that they didn't want to play with her. This amounted to classic Freudian projection, but they didn't know that of course, and after a few years they believed it so strongly, that they had forgotten what Cinderella was really like.
Cinderella's presence also greatly irritated Maddy, because she was a relic of a past relationship with another woman who she had always felt had gotten the best of Bill's love. She was quick to eradicate any trace of this woman from the home, without any thought for how this might affect Cinderella. At first, Cinderella complained bitterly about this to Maddy, as she was feisty and had a strong sense of herself, much like her father. Maddy was determined to gain the upper hand in the situation in any way possible, and managed to call in a "specialist" who diagnosed her with
314.01 Attention Deficit Hyper-activity Disorder (Predominantly Hyperactive-Impulsive Type)
309.3 Adjustment Disorder with Disturbance of Conduct
and just to drive the last figurative nail in the proverbial coffin
300.14 Dissociative Identity Disorder
Maddy was subsequently able to pull Cinderella out of school for "private tutoring," however, the reality was that Cinderella amused herself at home by watching Sesame Street and Word World on PBS, and eventually taught herself how to read by sneaking into Alexis and Briana's rooms and paging through their books. She presently learned that she could slip away to the public library during the day, where she exposed herself to copious amounts of information on a diverse range of topics. As they grew older, the distance and animosity between the step-sisters and Cinderella intensified. They suspected that Cinderella secretly thought that she was better than them, or maybe autistic, because she didn't laugh at their jokes, and didn't interest herself in their petty, mundane conversations. Cinderella, although she never expressed it, was already posessed of a wisdom and and awareness of the true nature of others uncharacteristic for anyone her age, probably as a result of the difficulties she had endured in her life. Although she did not think herself to be better than Alexis and Briana out of some sort of malice, it proved exceedingly hard for her to see them as "equals."
When she turned 14, Cinderella learned that the local high school had a special program designed for kids who were on "self study" which allowed them to participate in after school activities and even come to dances. She politely asked her step-mother, who by this time was in a hot and heavy relationship with another man who deserved her, a young accountant and former frat boy who had cheated his way through college and managed to secure a reasonably good position through a family connection, if she could be enrolled in this program. Her step-mother quickly aquiesced, as Cinderella had learned to avoid disturbances at home by withdrawing to the study, and she was no longer seen as a threat. Cinderella was immediately delighted, and managed to scrounge up 500 dollars by having a garage sale with all of the wicked step-sisters cast off clothing and toys so that she could buy a trumpet and join the marching band. The music absorbed her, and she quickly forgot about her troubles as she practiced in the park. She also joined the Russian club and the chess club, and became friends with a small group of students who were as thoughtful, studious, and intelligent as she was. She never bothered to go to many dances, as she had seen the trouble that romance could bring, and was saving herself until after college, just to be safe. Still, she had not been to homecoming, and senior year, she decided to "go stag," Unfortunately, she had to figure out how she was going to get a dress. Luckily, one of her friends from the Russian club, who's father was a high powered lawyer, decided to let her have a dress that she had bought, but gained weight and was no longer able to fit in. Cinderella greatfully accepted it, and as she had a creative streak, decided to embellish it with Swarovski beads and buttons that she bought from a craft store. The dress looked amazing, and Cinderella, with her gaunt, malnourished frame and 5'8 stature, rivaled any fashion model out there. She borrowed some of the wicked step sister's make-up and hair products, and a friend of hers came over to show her how to apply them. After an hour of hot-rollers, microwave hot wax, and eyelash curling, she looked how every 17 year old dreams and longs to look: just like a Barbie Doll. She hopped in her friend's Volkswagen and they headed to the dance.
When they walked in, all heads turned towards the girls. Who was she? Was she a student at the school, or were the two girls "together?" (scandal of all scandals!!!) She immediately caught the eye of Jason, last year's homecoming king, basket ball star, and honors student. He wandered up to the girls, and after making sure that they weren't "together," asked her to dance. He only had eyes for Cinderella all night long, and at the end of the evening, asked her out on another date. There was just something about her, something about her walk and the way she spoke, that captivated him. With all that make-up and hair extensions, even the wicked step-sisters did not recognize her. In fact, when she came home and mentioned her future date the next day before breakfast, they laughed at her, and told her she was delusional. "He would never date someone like you," They snorted and laughed loudly and obnoxiously. Cinderella rolled her eyes and was silent. She was above that sort of behavior, and with much irritation, scraped her plate into the garbage before leaving. "Hey, aren't you going to get the rest of the table?" They demanded, still laughing. "Get it yourself!' She said coolly as she left.
As it turned out, Cinderella ended up seeing Jason for quite some time, and he even wanted her to marry him and follow him out to Harvard. Cinderella decided to let him go, as she discovered quickly that Jason was a self-absorbed, narcissistic personality, and after all of her years of strife and discord, she felt that she deserved to be in a relationship with someone who would treat her like the Goddess that she was. Cinderella couldn't help it, she was just hard-wired to be fabulous! After graduating from college, she met a smart, engaging and dynamic (yet sensitive) businessman and part time musician at a cocktail party, who eventually hit it big with a proto-punk cover of "Who's Sorry Now?" Cinderella was finally comfortable and content, but she was NOT content to waste away the best of her days at the salon. She changed her name to Samantha and started a gluten free pizza business with idiot-proof conveyor belt style ovens which became a popular franchise. Life lesson learned: If you are female, it is not important how intelligent, persistent, athletic, or otherwise amazing you are; it is only important that you look hot, and wear a Dolce and Gabbana dress.
***Please note, all names have been changed for the protection of the guilty parties. Alexis got pregnant before high school graduation, and had to drop out and take a job as a receptionist. Briana married a jock who tried several times to go pro, but is currently working in electronics sales, and is just as petty, malicious, and stupid as herself. Maddy's accountant husband ended up being accused of tax fraud, and had to move to an undisclosed location in South America to evade prosecution, and Maddy went with him. Last word from the IRS: "Good riddance."
8.16.2012
New Study Released by the Lovenstein Institute
A recent report from the Lovenstein Institute, a radical liberal think group, has released the IQ scores of various politicians. I have included the IQs of various other famous public figures, as a reference.
The spokesperson of the Lovenstein Institute, Henri Menteur, in an interview with Smear Campaign Today, a bimonthly magazine that distributes propaganda to a dedicated subscriber base of roughly 300, 000, claimed that their elite group of scientists, who were qualified based on numerous strict criteria analyzed by a special algorithm which takes into account education, accomplishments, political affiliation, and favorite cookie shape, discerned this information by using this same algorithm to analyze various famous people based on their accomplishments, samples of their writing, SAT scores, and favorite types of hair products (no--really, there's a relationship!)
The interviewer for SCT pressed Monsieur Menteur, since some of these findings posed huge contradictions to long held ideas about intelligence and success, claiming that these numbers seemed to correlate more significantly with the public figures' popularity ratings. SCT further noted, that based on these findings, Paris Hilton, who has quite a remarkable ability to play dumb while running quite a few successful cologne and handbag businesses, might have more of what it takes to be president than Bill Clinton, who thinks with two heads instead of one. M. Menteur quickly retracted, saying that according to his official political stance, IQ has very little bearing upon success, and that it has much more to do with family connections and privilege. Abashedly, he admitted that a few of the scores were based on self reports. Even so, these findings will be touted by liberals across the country as "scientific proof" of their innate superiority.
Related Posts
References
IQ expressed as a percentile of the population
Forbes list of Billionaires
Wikipedia
| Public Figure | Title(s) | IQ score | Percentage of the Population (rough estimate) |
Sarah Palin | Beauty Queen Career Politician | 89 | bottom 24% |
| Peter from "Family Guy" | Average Shmuck | 90 | bottom 26% |
| Ronald Reagan | Actor Politician | 92 | bottom 30% |
| George Bush | Career Politician | 102 | top 41% |
| Snooki from "Jersey Shore" | Reality TV Star | 104 | top 43% |
| Ahnold "the Governator" Schwarzenegger | Actor Career Politician | 105 | top 46% |
| Mitt Romney | Businessman Politician | 115 | top 18% |
| Barak Obama | Career Politician | 125 | top 5% |
| Michael Bloomberg | Businessman Politician | 128 | "" |
| Ron Paul | Politician | 128 | "" |
| Pam Anderson | Playboy Playmate Actress Vegan | 129 | top 4% |
| Lady Gia | Top Dominatrix Subject public obsession | 135 | top 3% |
| Bill Clinton | Career Politician | 148 | top 0.10% |
| Paris Hilton | Actress, Model,Dancer, Businesswoman, Party Tramp | 152 | "" |
| Bill Gates | Professional Geek Formerly the Richest Man on Earth, now in 2nd place (loser!) | 163 | top 0.01% |
| Joyce McKinney | Beauty Pageant Queen Star of the documentary "Tabloid" | 165 | "" |
| Albert Einstein | Famous Scientist who kicked off a Jew-fro rage back in the 1940s | 168 | "" |
| Marilyn Vos Savant | Someone you've never heard of | 228 | top .00000001% |
The spokesperson of the Lovenstein Institute, Henri Menteur, in an interview with Smear Campaign Today, a bimonthly magazine that distributes propaganda to a dedicated subscriber base of roughly 300, 000, claimed that their elite group of scientists, who were qualified based on numerous strict criteria analyzed by a special algorithm which takes into account education, accomplishments, political affiliation, and favorite cookie shape, discerned this information by using this same algorithm to analyze various famous people based on their accomplishments, samples of their writing, SAT scores, and favorite types of hair products (no--really, there's a relationship!)
The interviewer for SCT pressed Monsieur Menteur, since some of these findings posed huge contradictions to long held ideas about intelligence and success, claiming that these numbers seemed to correlate more significantly with the public figures' popularity ratings. SCT further noted, that based on these findings, Paris Hilton, who has quite a remarkable ability to play dumb while running quite a few successful cologne and handbag businesses, might have more of what it takes to be president than Bill Clinton, who thinks with two heads instead of one. M. Menteur quickly retracted, saying that according to his official political stance, IQ has very little bearing upon success, and that it has much more to do with family connections and privilege. Abashedly, he admitted that a few of the scores were based on self reports. Even so, these findings will be touted by liberals across the country as "scientific proof" of their innate superiority.
Related Posts
- Democratic Parenting (humor)
- German Castration Legislation (dark humor)
- What is funny, exactly?
- Lady G's Art of Psychological Warfare (dark humor)
- New Ban on Alpha Females in Sports (extremely dark, viscious humor)
References
IQ expressed as a percentile of the population
Forbes list of Billionaires
Wikipedia
6.15.2012
Lady G's Art of Pyschological Warfare.
Even in spite of the peace-nik rhetoric from stinky hippies around the globe, the reality is, that war is sometime necessary for self preservation of both individuals and entities. I have not tried to improve upon the venerable works of those such as Sun Tzu. Instead, I have formulated my own ideas that are especially suited to my unique situation.
1. When your enemies are dishonorable, immoral animals, never avoid conflict in order to be "the better person." When a person is dishonorable, they will not recognize honor in another. Fight fire with fire, and vengeance should be swift. If some stupid fat-ass cuts in front of you in line, announce very loudly to the entire shop that he is a barn animal and that he needs to take his place in the back of the line. You've alerted others to his sub-human behavior and hopefully, if he has any human DNA, will feel ashamed of what he has done.
2. Understand your enemies weaknesses, and exploit them mercilessly. If you truly understand your enemy, victory may be as simple as tying the noose and allowing your enemy to hang themselves in it. For instance: if you are verbally harrassed by some half wit bitchy skanks dressed head to toe in forever-21, allow them to continue to make inane comments until it is obvious that they are borderline retarded, and you look good by comparison. This is the one exception to rule number 1, provided that you also ascribe to rule number 6.
3. Although you will understand your enemies by virtue of your keen intellect and highly developed intuitive abilities, allow them as little information about yourself as possible. An enemy who underestimates your true capacities will succumb to a swift and humiliating defeat. For instance, when hustling pool, never let on that you've played before and are pretty good. Let the other party think that you suck ass, and then let them think they're suckering you into a big bet.
4. When you are strong, play weak, when weak, play strong. If you've got pocket rockets and there's a maniac in late position, play it like you've got 8-9 off suit and were hoping to get lucky on the flop. Your maniac opponent will be blindsided when they bet big and you re-raise them. You may even get them to throw all their chips in the pot. (This trick only works with maniacs, when all the normal people at the table are playing so tight they can't pass gas. In normal situations, you risk being out flopped by some jack-wad who limps in with 8-3 suited and hits two pair. Statistically improbable, but it happens.)
5. Sometimes, playing weak for too long can get you into trouble. If you have a cold run of cards, no one will respect your bet. Show your strong hands so that people know you mean business. Sometimes, you have to do it again and again for the dumbest people at the table to get the idea. Always alert others to your amazing talents, whether it be the ability to invent dessert sauces for home-made, not-from-a-mix cakes spontaneously, read and write at the post-baccalaureate level (this is unusual, even for college graduates), or your incredible knack for tying someone spread-eagled and suspending them from the ceiling.
6. Last, but not least, put out lots of personal propaganda that people read voluntarily every week. If you do not do this, you will allow your enemies to spread slanderous untruths about you, and the average sheep an mynah bird will listen without comprehending or analyzing for themselves whether the information is likely to be true. After only a few times, the mynah birds will be parroting the lies for other species of birds, and a cacophony of ridiculous lies will somehow become accepted as fact. Tell others what to believe about you first. You can pretty much say almost anything you want... It's that easy.
Be peaceful, be courteous, obey the law, respect everyone; but if someone puts his hand on you, send him to the cemetery. --Malcolm X http://www.brainyquote.com
Related Posts
http://cookdingskitchen.blogspot.com1. When your enemies are dishonorable, immoral animals, never avoid conflict in order to be "the better person." When a person is dishonorable, they will not recognize honor in another. Fight fire with fire, and vengeance should be swift. If some stupid fat-ass cuts in front of you in line, announce very loudly to the entire shop that he is a barn animal and that he needs to take his place in the back of the line. You've alerted others to his sub-human behavior and hopefully, if he has any human DNA, will feel ashamed of what he has done.
2. Understand your enemies weaknesses, and exploit them mercilessly. If you truly understand your enemy, victory may be as simple as tying the noose and allowing your enemy to hang themselves in it. For instance: if you are verbally harrassed by some half wit bitchy skanks dressed head to toe in forever-21, allow them to continue to make inane comments until it is obvious that they are borderline retarded, and you look good by comparison. This is the one exception to rule number 1, provided that you also ascribe to rule number 6.
3. Although you will understand your enemies by virtue of your keen intellect and highly developed intuitive abilities, allow them as little information about yourself as possible. An enemy who underestimates your true capacities will succumb to a swift and humiliating defeat. For instance, when hustling pool, never let on that you've played before and are pretty good. Let the other party think that you suck ass, and then let them think they're suckering you into a big bet.
4. When you are strong, play weak, when weak, play strong. If you've got pocket rockets and there's a maniac in late position, play it like you've got 8-9 off suit and were hoping to get lucky on the flop. Your maniac opponent will be blindsided when they bet big and you re-raise them. You may even get them to throw all their chips in the pot. (This trick only works with maniacs, when all the normal people at the table are playing so tight they can't pass gas. In normal situations, you risk being out flopped by some jack-wad who limps in with 8-3 suited and hits two pair. Statistically improbable, but it happens.)
5. Sometimes, playing weak for too long can get you into trouble. If you have a cold run of cards, no one will respect your bet. Show your strong hands so that people know you mean business. Sometimes, you have to do it again and again for the dumbest people at the table to get the idea. Always alert others to your amazing talents, whether it be the ability to invent dessert sauces for home-made, not-from-a-mix cakes spontaneously, read and write at the post-baccalaureate level (this is unusual, even for college graduates), or your incredible knack for tying someone spread-eagled and suspending them from the ceiling.
6. Last, but not least, put out lots of personal propaganda that people read voluntarily every week. If you do not do this, you will allow your enemies to spread slanderous untruths about you, and the average sheep an mynah bird will listen without comprehending or analyzing for themselves whether the information is likely to be true. After only a few times, the mynah birds will be parroting the lies for other species of birds, and a cacophony of ridiculous lies will somehow become accepted as fact. Tell others what to believe about you first. You can pretty much say almost anything you want... It's that easy.
Be peaceful, be courteous, obey the law, respect everyone; but if someone puts his hand on you, send him to the cemetery. --Malcolm X http://www.brainyquote.com
- War cannot be avoided; it can only be postponed to the other's advantage. A prince [or leader] should ... have no other aim or thought, nor take up any other thing for his study but war and it organization and discipline, for that is the only art that is necessary to one who commands. --Niccolo Machiavelli, The Prince
- http://quotationspage.com
Related Posts
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/48_laws_of_power
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